6 Things abused women in the Church won't tell You

Lately my heart has been convicted to speak out for my fellow sisters in Christ who have been victims of abuse. After a conversation with a dear friend of mine last night I realized that the only way to bring awareness about this unique facet of Christs church is to finally say something. It is with deep compassion and all too real experience that I write these words so that we may be better understood. For His Kingdom.

1. Salvation for us isn't just spiritual, it is literally a physical experience. The blessing has been ours to hear the hundreds of testimonies of salvation by grace through faith from baptismal fonts. The vast majority of new believers who come to the waters acknowledge that God changed their hearts and put in them a new spirit that desires to do His will. This too is true for us, but I speak for each one of us when I say our spiritual salvation is when we realized our true worth and left the dangerous situation we were in. For me it was leaving my mother's home. I had been abused by her second husband for 12 years. I had recently moved out and into a place on my own, but soon found out that he was stalking me. Thinking I had no way out, I resorted to suicide as my final answer. But on my way out to the pond I began to pray. I began truly asking God for another way. And for once in my life I was honestly compelled to repent and ask for forgiveness. The Lord saved me three feet from the shore line of a pond covered with thin ice. I remember thanking God for his protection and plan for me. Still to this day my testimony isn't just words I relive it every time I share it. 

2. We are outwardly emotional people. We cry in service when the Holy Spirit touches us with the message from the Word. We are exceedingly joyful people when others are celebrating. And more often than not we are very old souls, and we know that staying bottled up inside does no good to us or our peers. We are outwardly thankful for our salvation and we are convicted of our sin by the minute. And because of this it often seems as if we are beating a dead horse, but what really needs to be understood is this one thing...for too long we weren't allowed to express our feelings, our thoughts or emotions. Because we have been freed from the bondage of our sin and our earthly captors these things are constantly on our minds, and we are grateful for the opportunity to be heard.

3. Our spouses are the ones who truly know our daily struggle with accepting our salvation. Self hatred is something that comes very easy to us. Knowing that we aren't worthy of salvation and that we deserve death is something we can easily accept. Its the free gift of salvation through GRACE that we struggle with. Our faith doesn't waver we truly believe that Christ died and rose again for us and has named us as His own. But our sin keeps us on our toes. It is our husbands that point us to scripture, pray for us and give us hugs when we struggle to remember that Calvary was meant for us. And we are eternally grateful to the Father for his divine plan.

4. You get what you see. We don't pretend to be something we aren't lest we should fall into the trap of hypocrisy that Ananias and Sapphira fell into ( Acts 5:1-10). The adage that comes to mind is " been there, done that, watched is go up in big huge flames". We would rather you see the damaged, life-tattered us, that have you see a person who seemingly has it all together. When we look in the mirror we still see the bruises, tear streaks, and hurt in our eyes even though they have long since faded. We know you see us you see something different and that is okay. And we know what is and isn't appropriate to share with others at certain times. But from the time you first meet us to the last times we have together we don't change. We won't drop the veil once we feel comfortable around you and we feel more comfortable to say things like they are. We also appreciate it when you return the favor, because for us transparency is something that is safe.

5. We know we are different. We don't share the same beautiful story of childhood salvation that many in the Church have. Often times our salvation comes about much like mine did at our ropes end. Many of us weren't raised in the church. I was raised in a non-mainstream cult that taught a errant doctrine and an extremely false gospel . We are okay with being different, because we know that Christ called all of us just as he called the sinners and tax collectors of the Early Church. We are okay because we know that "...God so loved  the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal live. For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through him." (John 3:16-17). Titus Three speaks to us because we know all to well how true Titus 3:3-7 is... 

 For we also once were foolish ourselves, disobedient, deceived, enslaved to various lusts and pleasures, spending our life in malice and envy, hateful, hating one another. But when the kindness of God  our Savior and His love for mankind appeared, He saved us not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out  upon us richly through Jesus Christ  our Savior, so that being justified by His grace we would be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life.

6. We often feel like we don't belong. I'm not entirely sure why we feel this way, in fact none of us are. We just do. I have often times expressed to Tim that I feel like I'm being judged by other members of the body of Christ like a cow at a livestock auction. While we aren't treated unfairly, or unkindly it is a fact that we "know" (feel) that our place is on the outskirts of the congregation. One friend of mine explained it as "wearing an invisible scarlet letter, you walk into a new church and it is like everyone knows you're not one of them." Tim and I attend a church that is on fire for the Lord, for His Word and has a desire to serve Him. I have been loved and treated kindly and yet I still feel as if I just don't meet standards. I know I am still young in my faith, I know that I can be intimidated by others by their knowledge of doctrine and scripture and sometimes I feel as if I'm running a marathon to keep up with Dr. MacArthur during service and other friends will concur. But each and every one of us ladies who have come to the Lord from abusive pasts, will all say that attending church and participating with the body is far more pleasurable and sanctifying than where we originally were and the Church is where we want to be.


 In closing it is my prayer that I have accurately expressed our collective feelings. We love the Church, we love our Savior and we too are running the race to win the imperishable crown (1 Corinthians 9:24-25)

The  Lord is my light and my salvation: Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the defense of my life; Whom shall I dread?  Psalm27:1

 

What I (Sometimes) Wish

I lost my "dream" job yesterday. My employer's didn't have enough money to keep paying me anymore. I was a nanny. I loved it. The little girl I played with was so sweet, she'd make King Candy sick. Every day I nannied her I had a blast. We colored, played hide and seek, pretended to be seals and ate goldfish crackers off our noses. I taught her the fruits of the spirit and John 3:16-17, we sang "Jesus wants me for a sunbeam", "The Campfire Song Song", "The OT Hop and the NT Jam", she taught me a thing or two my little brothers hadn't. It was one of the hardest jobs I've ever had but it was by far the most fulfilling and enjoyable jobs. It made/makes me want to be a mom, although I know in reality my own children will be a lot more work.
Some days she just wanted to cuddle and on others I couldn't get her to play on her own. I learned that fruit cups and string cheese can save your life and some times adding daddy to waffle made, in her mind, the waffle taste so, so much better. And after I walked away from her house yesterday and had a long cry in the car, I came to the conclusion that I don't mind losing my stable paycheck as much as I mind not being able to watch her grow.

I told Tim yesterday evening that "I'm not mourning the loss of the income, I'm mourning the loss of seeing the fruit." He gave me a big ole' hug and said he could understand. We watched the same thing happen with the children's ministry in a small church a few months back. We were seeing growth and the Lord called us back to Grace Community just when the produce was getting sweet. The rest of the evening we struggled to not say "I wish" and "I want" as much as we both said "May it be God's will". So I made a list of things I "wish" for, to let it be an end of wishful thinking so I'd be more prayerfully minded.

Wanda & Cosmo Timmy Turner's Fairy God Parents from the
Nickelodeon t.v. show the Fairly Odd Parents

1. Student Loans would be paid off.
2.I wasn't allergic to our cat.
3. That our two bedroom apartments from college could have been moved to California with us ($450 rent who can argue with that).
4. That I wasn't the eldest of my first cousins.
5. That I spent more time with my family before we moved to California.
6.That I could get a job and keep it the whole time we are out here in Los Angeles.
7. That I would be able to nanny Krista again.
8. That we could find a pot of gold on the street.
9. That I had actually became a neuro-sugeron.
10. That I turned in my application to Harvard.
11. That the whole world would know Christ.
12. That I would be more active in evangelizing.
13. That I would have a contrite heart and a humble countenance.

As I typed this list out I realized that a majority of these things I didn't pursue with an open hand, I wrenched my fist around them so hard that curds came out. I clung to my ability, my intelligence, my, my, my MY! Now I'm looking to Christ, now I'm holding my hand open and flat, like a little kid feeding a horse sugar, because I know that He can take it away just as fast as He gave it and it's much less painful if I haven't surgically attached myself to whatever it may be that was given to me. I'd been learning this lesson long before Krista came along, and my first conclusion about the whole situation wasn't anything of my own fault, but that God is leading me by His sovereign will, grace and love. And if He is for us [me] who can stand against us [me]? Romans 8:31. What I truly wish this evening as I bring this little post to an end is that God would continue to do His will in my life and that I would follow Him as a sheep follows it's shepherd.

For the Lord!

Not Called to Be Average

The past two days I've had the privilege of subbing for a Summer Cooking Class for 5 to 12 year olds. We spent three hours measuring, stirring, listening to Big Band music (mostly Glenn Miller), and chatting about different things that interest us. Over the course of today's class, the subject of missionaries and their kids came up. Most of the kids didn't know what a missionary was so I had to take some time to explain what a missionary was. I also had to explain what a third world country was. You should have seen their little faces when they found out that the average child doesn't even know what a slushie is. "You mean they don't have T.V.?" "What about ice cream? Candy Bars? And when we told them that the average kid doesn't make it to adulthood without having a life threatening disease, or the average teenage girl doesn't get to choose who she marries or when, they just couldn't believe it.

How ignorant are we making our children of today's issues at hand? How ignorant are we of today's issues at hand? How ignorant are we of the ultimate answer to those issues? In true modern American fashion, we like to sweep the less beautiful aspects of our fallen world behind the curtain of our technological high with our little iDoohickies. Over our last year out here in the great land of entitlement, Tim and I have come to the conclusion that The Gospel is severely under shared and under represented, regardless of where we are. We realized that there is a major drought of fellowship, and it has been an epidemic for hundreds if not thousands of years. Tim reads to me from books like Foxe's Book of Martyrs while I'm practicing last dollar gourmet meals, and the accounts of hours long communion, prayer, worship and good ole' fashioned fellowship. I don't know how many times my jaw has hit the floor after hearing these accounts.

It was only a few years ago myself that I was ignorant of The Gospel. In fact I was ignorant of God. I was saved by grace on the edge of a pond where I was going to take my life. Because I was ignorant of God, the Trinity and of The Father and Son's respective roles. Raised in the Two by Two Church, I was taught an errant Gospel. But PRAISE GOD! I was taught something about The Holy Spirit. It wasn't extensive, but I did know that He is here to lead us and that's about it.

Back to the missionaries, they do an important job, so do the evangelists. They share the gospel in places that haven't ever heard it, and in the places that have heard. They do a difficult, dangerous, painful, painstaking job. Which leads me to my point, we should be ashamed of ourselves for our lack luster enthusiasm for Christ and His creation. Each and every one of us should be out telling people the BEST NEWS! And yet, we prefer to let others be ignorant, we prefer to be accepting and tolerant of sin. Knowing full well that we weren't saved because God was tolerant of our sin. He isn't tolerant of their sin either. We prefer to be hypocrites, which is sad. Pitifully sad.

Our neighbors currently serving in South Africa!

Our missionaries for Grace Community Church are coming home this month for a furlough, and I certainly look forward to getting to know the sweet missionary family that's borrowing our neighbors place for the next few weeks, because they have answered the call to not be average. And I thank the Lord for our neighbors who so willingly went to their Church plant in South Africa to help our missionaries out! So my question is this. Why do we settle for average?

Christ certainly wasn't average, Peter and Paul weren't average, Martin Luther, William Tyndale, Jonathan Edwards, Charles Spurgeon, John Piper, John MacArthur, Paul Washer, and all the other great men who have stood stalwart for The Gospel, for Truth aren't average. I cannot say to what extent these men have suffered for Truth. I do have head knowledge of  Christ's suffering and its purpose, I have historical and personal accounts of the rest of these men's suffering, although  I'm sure I wont ever know the extent. I have no idea to what extent Tim and I will suffer in our lives. But I have certainly been convicted after today's little lesson on life that I no longer want to be average. I want to trade average for outstanding and evangelize as enthusiastically as possible, because lives certainly do depend on it.

10 Things I've learned the First Year as a Sem-Wife

It's been a long while since I've shared a blog post, and I apologize for that. However, on a cheery note I have compiled a thoughtful list of lessons I've been taught while at The Master's Seminary. Tim and I have truly been blessed beyond measure while here, and we have come to realize the treasure that is hidden in the San Fernando Valley. It is my fervent prayer that this is a blessing to you all.

10. "Do you have kids?" is a polite question. Do not be quick to get offended, or annoyed after the 800 millionth time of being asked whether or not you have been given the joy of children. It is a sincere question that is meant to help connect a stranger to another stranger. I've found while at Grace that often times when a person asks if you have children, they are looking for a way to serve you or they just want to hold a baby. And there is nothing wrong with that. If it's not your time, be gracious and find a way to serve them back.

9. Baby fever is inevitable. There is no fighting it. Trust me I've tried. But the Lord will instill a desire to raise a whole army of little believers to spread the Gospel and glorify Him. It shows a heart willing to serve the Lord as a mother.  It is honorable to want to be a mom. Examples of this are Sarah, Hannah, Rebecca,  and Elizabeth.  They prayed and honored the Father and brought before Him their desires, and in turn He rewarded them for their faithfulness. One thing I learned after a miscarriage in November is that God builds up a treasure for us in Heaven, and my little one will be there to meet me. If it's not your time, be patient. It will come either physically or spiritually, and greet each one with zeal for service because spiritual children are just as rewarding eternally as the physical ones.

 Two examples of sweet blessings that we have had to joy of knowing.

8. You will be disappointed. I won't lie, and neither will anyone else in seminary...but life with a seminarian can be hard and lonely at times. Often you don't see your husband for hours on end, and, in some cases, it may seem  like days. Because you are separated from the one familiar person in your life (since you've packed up as much as your car could hold and moved across country) it's easy, so very easy, to get desperately homesick and yearn covetously for your parents, friends, home, green grass, rain, weather in general, the little Mexican joint that had the 3 soft tacos for 99 cents, and less traffic.

Also if you think that life will look like a Martha Stewart Magazine, sweetheart, I'm here to tell you that those moments can really be few and  far between. You have to realize that we have plans and God changes them. Truly we live day to day in seminary (and I'm sure in ministry) not knowing if the plans we make will still be there in the morning.  Fear not, for God has the whole world in His hands.  He controls every aspect of life, so also sweat not the small things. Have a spirit like Mary (Luke10: 38-42) and prioritize Jesus. Obsess not too.  Remember that you and your husband are here for a reason and the Lord will sustain you through them. Remember that God gave you your husband for times like this and for others.  Cling to him and Him, and you shall find that the burden of unfamiliarity and lack of a Von Trapp lifestyle is removed.

7. Disappointments and surprises are never ceasing. Just the other day Tim and I were talking about how it seemed as if only one day out of the month ever passed without consequence to our temporal comfort, whereas the other 28-30 days were filled with a torrential downpour of life. Remember, each thing is from God to grow our faith for good and to His glory. Carpe diem: you've been graciously given and allow Christ to shine!

6. Be intentional about making friends. Just this evening a friend of mine said how she really had a hard time making friends with seminary families, because they always come and go; and she feels like a part of her heart is taken with them each time they leave. My other friend and I, who are both seminary wives, had her look at it another way, because it's difficult for us to make friends and have to leave too. It seemed as if the first year of seminary would just drag by slower than a snail on ice. But when I started to make friends, I couldn't slow the time down enough. Tim and I both had to come to terms with the fact that our time here at TMS is quickly fading. To do that we had to accept the fact that while we may not get to see these dear siblings in Christ while here in this life after we leave, they are our eternal friends and we will worship the King in heaven without interruption. What an encouraging reason to make friends no matter how short your time together is.

Tim, our friend Gregg and Me at TMS Graduation 2014

5. Sometimes you have to interrupt your husband. It's amazing how Tim can be so diligent sometimes.  He's so dedicated to getting his studies down just right. It's an act of worship for him, and I am so very blessed to be able to watch him grow and to have him teach me all that he's learning. But part of combating the loneliness mentioned in #8 is interrupting the speeding freight train of information. Don't fool yourself into thinking that he'll come up for air on his own when he's in the zone.  Oftentimes, Tim will tell me "wow I literally sat down 2 minutes ago and five hours have gone by already." It's easy for them to get caught up, so bring him a cookie, make him go for a walk with you and offer to help him study. It will pass the time by quickly for the two of you.  He will appreciate the quality time and sweet consideration you give him.

“Your assignment from God is not to change your husband, but to love, follow, assist, and minister to him.” 

~Elizabeth George, "A wife after God's Own Heart"

4. Lavish your friends and guests. Make those who visit you feel like royalty. Make a special dish.  Ask about their kids, their work, their family, and other things in their lives. Just as Christ humbled himself to serve the apostles, we ought to serve our brothers and sisters in Christ and lavish them with all the love and hospitality we can muster. Don't fret over a broken dish or burned meal. Don't let them know that you might be fighting a 30 ft tall mystery meat monster in your kitchen. Have a Martha attitude (Luke 10:38-42) instead and serve them to the best of your ability even if that means you need to just throw a pizza in the oven with some extra toppings.

Fancy breakfast for my sweetie.

3. Lavish your husband as well. It doesn't have to be an Armani suit, or Egyptian cotton sheets, but you need to prioritize him. For Tim, I like to keep a bowl of cookie dough in the fridge, coffee at least ready to be brewed, and I speak highly of him to others, I pray for him, ask his advice and honor him as the head of our family. Sometimes I fall short, but I'm  not perfect and neither is he, which is all the more reason to spoil him so he know just how much of a treasure he is to you. In return I have been greatly blessed and he lavishes me.

2. Never stop praying or reading His word. Want to feel anchored and closer to God? Pray and read Scripture. Our comforter who is in Heaven has left us His true and whole Word in the Bible so that in any time of life we can glorify Christ. Pastor John Piper says this, "Christ did not exist in order to make much of us. We exist in order to enjoy making much of Him... Christ is not glorious so that we get wealthy or healthy. Christ is glorious so that rich or poor, sick or sound, we might be satisfied in Him." If we lean on the Everlasting Arms our joy will always be complete

1. You will never go without. Many times we have came to the precipice of drastic feelings, but each and every time God provided in His mercy and filled all our needs to the point where our cup ran over where we could do more than we had hoped for. I've learned if we don't have it, we don't need it at the time. It may seem as if you've been exiled and that God has seemingly turned His back. He hasn't. He's growing you and making you produce fruit so that you're prepared for ministry when your husband graduates. We came to TMS so we would be trained and equipped for a life of service because lives depend on a truthful and faithful witness of God's mercy and Christ's sacrifice and the free gift of salvation by faith. The Lord is always with His children and He provides all you need...in spite of what you think you need.

Tim and I with the Mac Arthur's at The 2014 TMS Spring Banquet.