What I (Sometimes) Wish

I lost my "dream" job yesterday. My employer's didn't have enough money to keep paying me anymore. I was a nanny. I loved it. The little girl I played with was so sweet, she'd make King Candy sick. Every day I nannied her I had a blast. We colored, played hide and seek, pretended to be seals and ate goldfish crackers off our noses. I taught her the fruits of the spirit and John 3:16-17, we sang "Jesus wants me for a sunbeam", "The Campfire Song Song", "The OT Hop and the NT Jam", she taught me a thing or two my little brothers hadn't. It was one of the hardest jobs I've ever had but it was by far the most fulfilling and enjoyable jobs. It made/makes me want to be a mom, although I know in reality my own children will be a lot more work.
Some days she just wanted to cuddle and on others I couldn't get her to play on her own. I learned that fruit cups and string cheese can save your life and some times adding daddy to waffle made, in her mind, the waffle taste so, so much better. And after I walked away from her house yesterday and had a long cry in the car, I came to the conclusion that I don't mind losing my stable paycheck as much as I mind not being able to watch her grow.

I told Tim yesterday evening that "I'm not mourning the loss of the income, I'm mourning the loss of seeing the fruit." He gave me a big ole' hug and said he could understand. We watched the same thing happen with the children's ministry in a small church a few months back. We were seeing growth and the Lord called us back to Grace Community just when the produce was getting sweet. The rest of the evening we struggled to not say "I wish" and "I want" as much as we both said "May it be God's will". So I made a list of things I "wish" for, to let it be an end of wishful thinking so I'd be more prayerfully minded.

Wanda & Cosmo Timmy Turner's Fairy God Parents from the
Nickelodeon t.v. show the Fairly Odd Parents

1. Student Loans would be paid off.
2.I wasn't allergic to our cat.
3. That our two bedroom apartments from college could have been moved to California with us ($450 rent who can argue with that).
4. That I wasn't the eldest of my first cousins.
5. That I spent more time with my family before we moved to California.
6.That I could get a job and keep it the whole time we are out here in Los Angeles.
7. That I would be able to nanny Krista again.
8. That we could find a pot of gold on the street.
9. That I had actually became a neuro-sugeron.
10. That I turned in my application to Harvard.
11. That the whole world would know Christ.
12. That I would be more active in evangelizing.
13. That I would have a contrite heart and a humble countenance.

As I typed this list out I realized that a majority of these things I didn't pursue with an open hand, I wrenched my fist around them so hard that curds came out. I clung to my ability, my intelligence, my, my, my MY! Now I'm looking to Christ, now I'm holding my hand open and flat, like a little kid feeding a horse sugar, because I know that He can take it away just as fast as He gave it and it's much less painful if I haven't surgically attached myself to whatever it may be that was given to me. I'd been learning this lesson long before Krista came along, and my first conclusion about the whole situation wasn't anything of my own fault, but that God is leading me by His sovereign will, grace and love. And if He is for us [me] who can stand against us [me]? Romans 8:31. What I truly wish this evening as I bring this little post to an end is that God would continue to do His will in my life and that I would follow Him as a sheep follows it's shepherd.

For the Lord!