1. Salvation for us isn't just spiritual, it is literally a physical experience. The blessing has been ours to hear the hundreds of testimonies of salvation by grace through faith from baptismal fonts. The vast majority of new believers who come to the waters acknowledge that God changed their hearts and put in them a new spirit that desires to do His will. This too is true for us, but I speak for each one of us when I say our spiritual salvation is when we realized our true worth and left the dangerous situation we were in. For me it was leaving my mother's home. I had been abused by her second husband for 12 years. I had recently moved out and into a place on my own, but soon found out that he was stalking me. Thinking I had no way out, I resorted to suicide as my final answer. But on my way out to the pond I began to pray. I began truly asking God for another way. And for once in my life I was honestly compelled to repent and ask for forgiveness. The Lord saved me three feet from the shore line of a pond covered with thin ice. I remember thanking God for his protection and plan for me. Still to this day my testimony isn't just words I relive it every time I share it.
2. We are outwardly emotional people. We cry in service when the Holy Spirit touches us with the message from the Word. We are exceedingly joyful people when others are celebrating. And more often than not we are very old souls, and we know that staying bottled up inside does no good to us or our peers. We are outwardly thankful for our salvation and we are convicted of our sin by the minute. And because of this it often seems as if we are beating a dead horse, but what really needs to be understood is this one thing...for too long we weren't allowed to express our feelings, our thoughts or emotions. Because we have been freed from the bondage of our sin and our earthly captors these things are constantly on our minds, and we are grateful for the opportunity to be heard.
3. Our spouses are the ones who truly know our daily struggle with accepting our salvation. Self hatred is something that comes very easy to us. Knowing that we aren't worthy of salvation and that we deserve death is something we can easily accept. Its the free gift of salvation through GRACE that we struggle with. Our faith doesn't waver we truly believe that Christ died and rose again for us and has named us as His own. But our sin keeps us on our toes. It is our husbands that point us to scripture, pray for us and give us hugs when we struggle to remember that Calvary was meant for us. And we are eternally grateful to the Father for his divine plan.
4. You get what you see. We don't pretend to be something we aren't lest we should fall into the trap of hypocrisy that Ananias and Sapphira fell into ( Acts 5:1-10). The adage that comes to mind is " been there, done that, watched is go up in big huge flames". We would rather you see the damaged, life-tattered us, that have you see a person who seemingly has it all together. When we look in the mirror we still see the bruises, tear streaks, and hurt in our eyes even though they have long since faded. We know you see us you see something different and that is okay. And we know what is and isn't appropriate to share with others at certain times. But from the time you first meet us to the last times we have together we don't change. We won't drop the veil once we feel comfortable around you and we feel more comfortable to say things like they are. We also appreciate it when you return the favor, because for us transparency is something that is safe.
5. We know we are different. We don't share the same beautiful story of childhood salvation that many in the Church have. Often times our salvation comes about much like mine did at our ropes end. Many of us weren't raised in the church. I was raised in a non-mainstream cult that taught a errant doctrine and an extremely false gospel . We are okay with being different, because we know that Christ called all of us just as he called the sinners and tax collectors of the Early Church. We are okay because we know that "...God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal live. For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through him." (John 3:16-17). Titus Three speaks to us because we know all to well how true Titus 3:3-7 is...
For we also once were foolish ourselves, disobedient, deceived, enslaved to various lusts and pleasures, spending our life in malice and envy, hateful, hating one another. But when the kindness of God our Savior and His love for mankind appeared, He saved us not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out upon us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by His grace we would be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life.
6. We often feel like we don't belong. I'm not entirely sure why we feel this way, in fact none of us are. We just do. I have often times expressed to Tim that I feel like I'm being judged by other members of the body of Christ like a cow at a livestock auction. While we aren't treated unfairly, or unkindly it is a fact that we "know" (feel) that our place is on the outskirts of the congregation. One friend of mine explained it as "wearing an invisible scarlet letter, you walk into a new church and it is like everyone knows you're not one of them." Tim and I attend a church that is on fire for the Lord, for His Word and has a desire to serve Him. I have been loved and treated kindly and yet I still feel as if I just don't meet standards. I know I am still young in my faith, I know that I can be intimidated by others by their knowledge of doctrine and scripture and sometimes I feel as if I'm running a marathon to keep up with Dr. MacArthur during service and other friends will concur. But each and every one of us ladies who have come to the Lord from abusive pasts, will all say that attending church and participating with the body is far more pleasurable and sanctifying than where we originally were and the Church is where we want to be.
In closing it is my prayer that I have accurately expressed our collective feelings. We love the Church, we love our Savior and we too are running the race to win the imperishable crown (1 Corinthians 9:24-25)
The Lord is my light and my salvation: Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the defense of my life; Whom shall I dread? Psalm27:1
