At the beginning of this journey, Tim filled out the application, and it took forever for us to hear back from the seminary. The application was sent out February 21st bright and early. We did not hear back from the seminary until April 15th when we got the acceptance letter. In that time, we were waiting on Tim’s references to fill out questionnaires to ensure the selection committee of Tim’s integrity in the realms of work, personal life, and Christian faith. When we didn’t hear back by March 20th I was convinced that seminary was just not for us. In fact, I was sure that we had heard nothing back from The Master’s Seminary because of my background in an abusive relationship with my ex-stepfather. Despite reassurance from my Dad, Tim, and other members of my family that a seminary would not censor with a bias against those who come from abusive backgrounds. But I was still convinced that my past was what was keeping us from even hearing back from them. When Tim called to let me know that he/we had been accepted, I broke down in tears of joy. But I was still in shock that we were supposed to go until I had seen the acceptance letter myself.
Lesson one and two of this: God doesn’t hold a grudge just because my past is darkened by the actions of others. And it also doesn’t mean I am the un-doer of all good things (Matthew 26:26-28, Luke 44-49). I remind myself a little bit of Paul after his conversion, only I didn’t have to gain the trust of those around me. I had to completely put what little trust I had left in God and allow Him to work, because of my inability to see myself as worthy of His blessings. It was only through His provision that we were welcomed to study under John MacArthur and his colleagues.
Graduation, marriage, and monetary issues are other areas where I had to learn to trust. I guess I could call myself an AA personality. If I could micromanage every nanosecond of not only my day but of everyone else’s, the world would probably seem a little easier for me to cope with. However, micromanagement is not an easy way to live, nor is it something I suggest others try. It is a side effect of wanting to always be right, regardless of the outcome, and of living in an abusive situation. Working on a senior project, planning a wedding, and not having a large disposable income is enough to drive any normal A or B type personality past irreparable insanity. For me, I was somewhat of a sociopathic bridezilla, and despite the fail safes I had planned to keep myself sane during April and May, I still found myself to be a twitchy, impatient, sick to my stomach, exhausted, fed-up, graduating bride. And then my Dad had a heart to heart conversation with me. Dad lectured me on how being this type of person was not Christ like, and how not putting my trust in the Lord or not giving Him my troubles failed to glorify Him. In neglecting to ask for His help and to ask for it faithfully I did no good for His Kingdom. Dad pretty much asked me if I thought Christ had thrown a hissy fit when He came to earth to be the perfect sacrifice to save us from eternal damnation. Well to be perfectly honest, I thought about it and I couldn’t imagine God stomping His feet, screaming, crying, and making an absolute fool of Himself.
Have this attitude in yourself which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. For this reason also God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, so at the name of Jesus EVERY KNEE WILL BOW, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.~Philippians 2:5-11
Lesson three: Christ called us not only to follow Him, but to be like Him. This means having the patience and serenity to gracefully accept the things I can’t change. Jesus walked quietly to Calvary towards his death (1 Peter 2:22-25) for our salvation . He asked for the Father to forgive those who hung Him on the cross (Luke 23:34). He was as humble, innocent, and perfect as a sacrificial lamb (Genesis 8:21 & Ephesians 5:2), and while we aren’t of divine nature (2 Peter1:4, 1 John 3:2), we too should strive to be like Christ was on earth (Philippians 3:12-16). Genesis 8:21a and Ephesians 5:2 talk about how the perfect sacrifice was a pleasing aroma to the Lord. In 2 Corinthians 14-17, Paul writes of how Christians also carry this aroma, because whenever we are faithful and are an influence for the Gospel of Christ God is pleased. Also the perpetuation of the Gospel assures that when He comes back to claim us, we will be refined to perfection by our faith (Romans 3:22-24); we will be rewarded because we have strived for moral perfection, righteousness, and have had joy through strife (James 1:2-6, 2 Peter 1:6-9). I realized that being an AA personality is more of a hindrance than a help. And while I still struggle with wanting to micromanage everything, I have gotten much better about just stepping away from the precipice of drastic measures and letting God’s provisions work in my life, rather than getting angry.
Now we are in California, looking for jobs, getting established, and getting used to Los Angeles traffic. It’s hectic, strange, and not at all like home; and yet God provided for us again. We have a great place to live, and back at home we have a cheering section that is compiled of family, friends, and friends of family. We are renting a 10 x 10 room from a family here in California. They treat us like their own kids, and have been such an amazing blessing that it’s hard to believe that I ever doubted God’s provision. Yes, I regret not putting my full trust in Him, but even in my prayers when I ask Him to forgive me for doubting, I still know in my heart that He will continue to love, protect, and lead me down the pathway He has chosen for Tim and me. The other day, I was asked how I felt about making such a huge change in my life. I was honest. I said at first I wasn’t too keen on the idea of moving to a new home, starting a new church and job, and I was very nervous about acclimating to California society. But once I got here, and I met fellow seminary wives, and some of Tim’s fellow seminarians; I knew instantly this is where we are meant to be. This is how I am going to learn to be a helper, and this is going to be a blessing for not only us but for those around us.
I cannot promise to never doubt again, but when it comes time for us to move on to the next thing I can say I will definitely be more open and willing to answer the call. Especially since I know God’s love never fails, and that God never gives up. Ever.
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